(Relationship problem advice: Gender conflict exists because gender and communication don't mix.

Men express their affection and let their partners know they love and care for them by being helpful (see I Love You). This shows up primarily in giving advice and suggestions about how to do things or resolve problems. Regarding gender and communication, however, it also tends to contribute to the relationship problem.

Women, however, do not perceive unsolicited suggestions as a sign of love. When a man offers this gift, the woman may think he is telling her what to do (see Pleasing the Other). She may feel like a child with her father, or that he is belittling her, assuming she can't figure out what to do on her own. Thus, his caring comes across as condescension. While not intentional, his unsolicited advice contributes to the gender conflict.

These days, most men know women don’t like unsolicited advice, yet they continue to offer it. (See my article, Men: You Know Better, But…,".) This is because in Male-ese, not to do so would mean they are being unloving and unkind. This is part of the gender conflict - where gender and communication do not mix well.

Instead of giving unsolicited advice to express caring, there are two things men can do for women that will be appreciated. One, they can listen. (Yes, men, that is "doing something.") And two, after listening, they can ask, "Would you like a suggestion?" The asking, rather than just giving, allows the woman to make the choice as to whether she wants a suggestion or not, and if she does, whether she wants it now or later. It also gives her the chance to say no, she just wanted to know the man was listening. (see Epilogue- Men: An Alternative to Giving Advice)

Even if she turns down his offer of advice, she will appreciate his effort, and he will have the satisfaction of having offered his help. That will make it easier for him to say nothing else.

The Miscommunication Cycle (Gender and Communication):

When a woman is upset with a man, she tells him why and expects him to explain himself, apologize, or at least give his opinion. She waits for his response for what seems to her to be a long enough time for him to say something if he wanted to. When the man remains silent, she thinks she must not have explained herself well enough, so she continues, sometimes going on to other complaints (see Conversation- Silence, Time/Timing).

The man, however, doesn’t experience her pause as stopping. To him it seems just a moment, just enough time to catch her breath. So he sits silently, waiting for her to finish. For him, the indicator of her being finished would be a question he can answer. Without that question, he doesn't know what she is looking for. So he waits. For men, conversations are about reporting information (see Conversation- Purpose). Without the question, he thinks she is simply reporting information and not looking for anything from him (see We Have to Talk. About What?).

This cycle — the woman talking, waiting for the man to respond, when he doesn’t, she continues — can go on for a long time, with her talking for longer periods and him sitting and waiting for longer periods of time. Over the years of being together, couples often have reinforced each other’s patterns. He no longer expects her to stop talking and ask him a question; she no longer expects him to respond to her.

Relationship Problem Advice

An easy technique to get past the gender conflict of the miscommunication cycle is the “Period." When the women is finished speaking, when she expects the man to respond, she says, “Period." Or conversely, when the man suspects she may be finished, he can say, “Is that a period?" Another way to use this exercise is that, when the woman is going on and on and the man thinks she is repeating herself, the man can say, “I need a period."

Don't deprive yourself and your partner the benefits from having this book. It’d be like traveling in a foreign country without a dictionary or a road map. Learn more about this relationship problem and resolve your gender conflict.